Frienship ! Teashop and Rides

A brief introduction - to emptiness
I was a fool, I absorbed everything around me . I believed and trusted life, Life cant cheat me , What was there to exploit in me . A dead and decaying body, A life which complimented the aging , dying cells . Ideas and thoughts which were a million generations old . Religions stamped by elders and those who were born even before my caste and religion were born . A life lived like millions of my ancestors and their fathers. Roots were rotten, I wondered if my root represented me at all. The meaninglessness of my roots was as good as having none at all.

Growth and evolution of Darkness and night

Childhood. Candies, Vague memories of school bags and teachers. Punishment and fear of exams . Fevers and vacations. Many who shared the same and felt nothing and remembered not the pain yet cherished as they were told to. Anxious to grow , ate , played and became lost as I was expected to . Things to learn , without understanding meaning . Who cared , Who knew . No one single human soul not even me stopped to ask for to reason ! Had to run no time to stop . Caricatures of growth ! Comedies of growing up ! Experience I was told it was ..

Had to earn - Power Paisa Prestige ! and be a loser !


An Average employment . No girlfriends . Lot of love failures . Some said and acknowledged love failures . Some were failed even before they were born . Destined to death even before taking a small first step . They were like thoughts which were distracted by thinking ! Girls were attractive . Some were beautiful and gorgeous too . None were ugly , Except for may be when they were thinking ! Their were told to think , About finding reasons to find some one attractive . Symmetric face , body and sizable mass of muscles and shape they loved when it was combined with money to buy them ice-cream and dreams . They looked at their needs and wants and one who could provide them ! They needed things which catered to their body , mind and soul . They were needing things which were told they would need . Life cant cheat me but . what’s there to cheat . I loved them all . Even their ignorance ! I loved with a smile and bared their indifference .

My assets ! ?
A broken back , Numerous broken bones . Arms and legs worn out by walking away from things dead , by walking running towards which I loved to love . A bruised and battered body , mind and a soul I doubted but believed as I was told to believe ! Face which showed my growing disbelief with a life ..Disillusionments ! Lies ! Body mind and soul . But life cant cheat me ! what’s there to cheat ! A life given by life ! Worn out and rejuvenated by life . Vishnu and Siva . Gods of life !!

They atleast deserved to love me ! ? or did they

Relatives , father mother , and sisters were two . They told me they loved me . At times they did . But they had reasons . I was family . As a son , and as a brother , I was meant to be loved , I deserved their love . They loved me at times . They fed me , helped me grow . A growth which was an increase in size , Quantity …. of mind body and soul . Some how , at times , their love I took for granted , This I was not told . I wondered if they would have loved me had I not been their son , Their brother . Had they not fed me ! I saw someone begging in streets ! No . They loved me only at times! Not all the time . Not when I was not their son ! or their brother

Birthday

At 25 . December 19 , My birthday . Like every birthday I was told to celebrate this one too . I waited for the day to come and bloom . As I was told to wait . I wonder what made the day different from any other day . .

I wondered why I would like to see another birthday ? No girls , No love , No relatives or unconditional love . No things I needed in life , when I need I had . one thousand memories questioned my existence . Why would I live then ? A meaningless life , Dragged on to death , Only to face the end with confusions . No . There need not be a defeated birthday anymore .



Noisy phones always distract when people contemplated the meaning of why they would live . It was Glanson . He wished me birthday , Happy birthday . as if happy was as easy and automatic as a birthday He was coming I was told ..

Tea shops in Salem

A cup of tea , Cigarette , Bike ride , Boring Cinemas , Gossips and laughter , Fights , Arguments , Distance places on train for no reason at all . I wondered why we hanged out together . All the time , Most of the time when we were together . I did nt say anything particularly interesting . I was as boring as all friends would be to each other . But with him I did nt care how boring he was or I was . We laughed even when things were nt funny . We cried without tears when we fought .

Who was he , Why were we .. to each other.. what we were ! why did nt I question what he was to me . What I was to him . Was he a god ! ? No .. Could nt be , He was not jailed in a temple . He was nt crucified . He was just a friend . A relative who was not my father . Mother , Sister , Or brother . He was nt even my uncle or cousin . But strangely , I loved him more than I did ..all of them together . What really did mattered was , Without even telling him what I had felt at that moment , He seemed to have understood the emptiness which was going on in my mind .

He said my voice was nt full of energy as it used to be , He asked if it was another love failure (He was witness to more than twelve in college ) But he knew it could nt be . So he did nt ask anything else . He just kept talking . I did nt knew what we were talking so seriously about for more than half an hour now . Old memories , We relived our journeys together . From Salem to Bangalore . The return journey without ticket . Hand full of clothes and no money for tea . The first time he came to Kottarakara , our fights . The girls that we both proposed at the same time . Our affairs . Our future , past and present . Distant relatives too were part of our conversations . Somehow , Even though I did nt tell him much about my misery with meaning , I felt somewhat relieved .

We had been talking for almost two hours , The battery and the phone was over heating . and I was getting recharged , with this , really strange sense of not feeling empty as much !

Questions smiles !

Questions still lingered . But this time it was quite comfortable . Almost a sort of reconciliation . I thanked him for being my friend . He would soon come to Chennai . Or I would go to Bombay . We would still find time to ride Bikes together . We would buy bigger more expensive and faster bikes . Or we would go in my bike or his . Cars . Roads . We would travel together . Even though we were apart , quite distant in terms of where we lived , I feel strangely connected . As if he was in my head thinking for me , Defending for me .

Then it was Hickson . He seemed to have heard from Glanson that I was quite down ! Now Hickson was less tolerant to depression . He scolded me without being very serious . He made fun of me . About my affairs . Now Hickson was as good a friend to me as Glanson was . But he read through my hypocrisies and was sharp enough to find the flaws in my thinking . He helped me analyze and understand my life . He too talked with me , In his conversation was also a life which rejuvenated me !

Then it was Siva , Subin , Ajoy , Syam , Suba , Sree , Roy , Madhu , Mary . A stream of friends . All seemed to have had a carbon copy of my thought process . Somehow I thought the happiness of that day would last for a life time . I needed them like I needed to breath . It was not a dependence . It was not slavery . It was but a sweet responsibility we had towards each other . The one which fed us as we fed it with love . There were nothing given or taken , It was but shared and enjoyed .

Finally She calls ..

Roh called me at midnight , She was the last one to call . But she called me everyday right before the day retired on us . . So many friends had called me that day but , A time when I needed them the most . I told her that I was going to write a short story based on friendship ! She told me I could nt . Somehow I trusted her . May be she was only teasing

Dedicated to all the friends , My friends , and friends of those who read , Distant , Near , Onsite and Offshore .. Guys , and girls .. Men and Woman and children friends

Ego

unheard,unseen
are the battles within
fighting my egoes
undoing the imperfections
all for want of
Identity,the thirst
never seem to end..

I am killing myself tonight

Man is always obessesed with what he can not have .Rich man who is not healthy craves for health .Everyone would always invent something or the other to make themselves miserable . Its as if they would derive their pleasure from torturing themselves to the very limits of sanity .only when he loses all ..and something more ..does he realise what he was having ..how beautiful it was what he was having
What little did i indeed had ..thought Ram. He was almost sixty years old . He thanked even his name, which was very old.World was moving very fast around him . It was as if he was suffocated with the world which was moving with dizzying speed . Every where there was movement . some slow .. some fast .but surely every one was moving somewhere else . some would even move even when they were sleeping ..some would move in thier thoughts even when they were standing still . Movement was life and noise for Ram . without movement .things would seem so empty . It was only to fill the emptiness of this meaninless silence that we actually move around and seek immense sensory overload with movements !

But i was moving towards the end of all movements . i was moving towards immobility .i was moving and slowly and so inevitably moving towards my own death . with memories only to enhance the reality of what i was about to face .. So thought Ram . He was living in an age where RAM was nothing but an obselete technological jargon . Ever since the inception of virtual material memory technology , silicone conductors and electronic circuits has been rendered obselete . Now chemical reactions and virtual nuerochemicals do the maths for the complicated machines that humans used . He remembered how it was when there was lot of excitment when there was a new movie released and the music would play in everyone s tune s. Now its all about participatory and even collaborative music where the music changes with the mood of the mind . Once connected to the head , it will automatically read the mental pattern and would create music with its own database of music from through out the entire history of humanity . Some people had a very tough time controlling the machine . Its as if the machine would have a mind of its own
The music machine was a really huge hit when it was introduced . It was called the M-Tunes .Now even this was nearing obscelance. Now everything is controlled by mind . Moving and using muscles to achieve what one wants is considered stone age ..or so called Desktop age .
The border between man and machine was slowly blurring . So much advancement in the integration of electronics or neuronics as it is called today .. had made these machines a mere extension of human mind and body .
Now they are talking about genonics . It was a rare integration of our gene and DNA with micro robotics and nano reactives .
Love was still a very intruiging feeling that no amount of advancement in electronics could help resolve . There were some really awesome simulation softwares which had made them feel love and would simlute virtual Lovers with advanced emotional quotients and artificial intelligence . Microsoft love softwares were always full of bugs . It would always express irrational behaviour which added to its charm . Some even argued that these vital flaws where what made these more real and appealing . There were so many opensource love simulation softwares which were really amazing and creative . There were softwares which had some really popular yesteryear beauties like Cameron Diaz and Kate winslet as charectors which assist in realisation of love . Some were even based on obsolete film technologies and Romantic sitcoms of television heydays . But in reality ..people rarely spoke to each other . Reality was something which was avoided at all costs . No one even cared for decent food or clothings . There was always some virtual vitamins available which would make one feel good after having a screenshots of them !
To the two thousand billion people who could not afford even food ..these remained at best a strange fiction . Some even thought that they were the work of some supernatural forces. There was a strange shortage of food and water . Ram was worried if his old age and ever dwindling saving would land him in poverty . He was relatively rich in his younger days . But the rat race electronics and obscelence of his skills had made him irrelevant to modern day economics . He was forced to retire after a writing software with advanced intelligence had wrote much more inspiring and artistic works than he did . The manufacturers claimed that the software only needs to be fed with one paragraph of the writer to figure out his writing pattern and it would simulate and enhance the writing style .
There was no orginality , thought Ram .
He wondered whether humans had figured out the equation of life . May be with insights into mathematics and electronics so advanced that it was now possible for man to look at his existance and understand and to control one s past future and that of other life forms and also non life forms .
He wondered if Sharika was alive today . Sharika was an upper middle class girl ..the only girl Ram had ever loved . Ever since she had married her dream lover in virtual space , Ram had lived a life hating the virtual technology . Sharika was really lost in the virtual simulations which were taking place at that time . Reality and dream world created had made no difference to her . but to Ram .. it was an end of a twenty five year old affair . Ram had started loving Sharika since he was 10 years old . He did not recognise his strange affinity which had filled his night and days with wonderful fulfillment as love until he had seen his first romantic comedy film in english .They remained friends for a very long time . But Ram always insists that their relationship was something more than just plain friendship .
It was on his thirty fifth Birthday that Sharika had decided to Marry her virtual friend Mr Imran Khan . It was a very advanced software simulation of artifical reality by Microsoft . Everyone her age was fast adopting to such softwares to end thier loneliness and boredom .Most of them even considered it far more superior than a real relationship .
Ram had always felt all these as masturbatory . It was almost as if the world was in a big masturbatory hallucination . It was eating up what little shit it was capable of making .
Suicide was a really old fashioned way of ending one s life . There were so many modern methods of ending one s existance . There was Public booths which would dispense Suicide kits to those who were willing to buy them . It was as if Government was promoting painless suicide .People just could not bear physical and direct pain .
It was on his way back from beach that Ram had Got hold of a latest neuronic Suicide kit . It was illegal to sell suicide kits to those above Poverty line . But Ram had some friends in the Village . He got it from them . There were many places untouched by modernisation . He was glad to see among many things Fossil fuels and Petrol driven wagons and bikes. He was in tears when he saw as Apache RTR . It was his dream bike which he also happened to own ! ..only when he was forty five years younger .
There was no injection or chemicals involved in the nueronic suicide kit . It was just a headgear of sorts . you were just supposed to wear it. and switch it on !
He decided to have few glasses of whiskey and his favourite music to play .Real whiskey was so punchent and hard to down .. so thought Ram . but he was more than happy to have it . He had many friend when he was young and able . But at this time when he decided to say good bye . he remembered a few of them . There was one Mathew .. one hickson..glanson .. Siva kumar .. Ajeesh .. Molly .. Steve .. Rubrick …Roji .. Lejin ..Antony Chandy ..Praveen..Sharika ..Sheni.. Rohini .. Suganya .. Pappu .. .He was grateful for the memories ..Breaking the god illusion once and for all had been the biggest achievement of the century ..so claimed the modern computer governed society .But He prayed to the non existing god before he sipped his last glass of whiskey . Johny walker ..his favourite band .
A really wild ride ..it was just like Marinjuana . He failed to differentiate between reality and illusion or so called Maya ..
But for Ram .. Electronic maya was something he never really wanted ! It ended with Beep
Everything ….
even Silence Ended with His death ! The suicide kit automatically informs goverment about his death . The organs were Vital .Many invaluable components could be made with human plasma and nuerons .
Humans feeding on humans ..
just for the pleasure of it !!
All charectors are fictious and purely imaginative , Any resemblance to anything human is lack of imagination and dull wit !

Jorhat Ki Lxxmmiiee

Slowly .Ever so slowly ..She was walking towards me
Like rays of light on a morning twilight ,caressing.. gently piercing
Like thoughts ..like a song forgotten ..like haunting ..like my mothers hug
Gently so politely ..Like the relative of a distant dream she walks ..Towards US ..Me and her
Was she love was she beauty ,was she god ..Or was she just a human
Steps ,she took , graceful elegant and almost dancing
Wind waves and lot of silence ,there was music too at that moment
tears of joys ,were blinding my eyes , was I blind
Or did I not see , Her eyes ,she let me see
Invisible love , Invisible god , Invisible beauty
I am just a man , Imperfect lowly ..How can I reach for something holy
Lips the sacred lips , Her lips ,Divine lips
They uttered love , they uttered beauty , they uttered poetry
I am just a man , Imperfect lowly , How can I reach for something holy
It was light , She was light , It was morning so bright
And I was the son of a dark night and fearful nightmares
She the queen of heaven , princess of beauty
I am just a man , Imperfect lowly , ..I prayed forgiveness
For Finding her atttractive thinking she be mine
Light her brilliant light , showed me my shadows
I watched , My imperfections ,They atleast had eyes
They saw her beauty ,and they saw my ugliness . spiritual emptiness
Hypocracies and lies . Shallowness and callous spines
Why did she come then …my love , My beauty ,
my very lips she was when she worded her thoughts
I moved not , I said not a single word ,and uttered not even silence
But she was kind , she was graceful , and she was light
She came towards me and held my very hands
Assured me that I lived , Assured me that I breathed
Assured me a future , and assured to wash my sins away
It was lovely , It was morning , deep and whole and true were her promises
We merged into the days and nights that followed ,
Truly immersed in our togetherness , entwined in each other
Was she me , was I her , Were we together .
I dared not think , In terms of she and I
Together we were something totally different ,
Together we were life and togther we were depth
Together we were in our separatedness ,
Together we were in our distance of three days and nights in train
Peace , truly divine peace ..let her live in her anonymity .
She remained in me as a longing . as a heartbeat and a roseflower .
Alas .Terms ..rules of love and poetry …
Prevented me in knowing who she really was
Princess of love ,Princess of beauty .Truly divine mystery
One who coded computer languages behind a keyboard
With the mask of a human face !!
Ha the pangs of living together as strangers !we are yet to meet

I am just a Man imperfect lowly ,Is from Thiruvasagam ,A shaivaite composition of divine love .I hear it every day Find it very relaxing !
Ofcourse this has no pun ! no intentions . Just some words which I caught as they were seen escaping my thursay morning
Yeah it is worded from a longing of mine . But longings will always remain longings

Chandini Chowk to China

Saturday , the first day of a very long three day weekend , and we needed protection from our boredom born out of a regular life .I always appreciated my lonliness ,only because when in a crowd every one thinks worse than the least intelligent person in his most stupid thoughts .Three was not a crowd , yet it was very confusing as to where we wanted to go and what we wanted to watch .Only when she called did I knew that i was in for a movie and that too at Satyam .Business as usual at Satyam . It was the most horrible saturday to be going for a movie , i already had parked my tiger outside the gates and was about to inquire for what braindamage did we have tickets for .Obviously they had it for none . She had not the slightest of hesitation in suggesting for Chandini chawk , Off we went .. to Woodlands .


Mortality , sudden death , loss of consciousness ..for the three hours of watching the chandni chowk to china I was really wishing i would be ceased by any three or a times all three just to save my intelligence from being completely corrupted by the infinitely retarted poor unimaginative non sense of Akki .Kung fu is supposed to be this art of self defence , but we were defenceless that day .. You see its not that i dont like stupid and naive movies ..Scoobie doo i revel , Dumb and dumber was humerous ,But there was something entertaining about the mindlessly stupid comedies . I even liked the occasional Simbu and Vijay movies too .But Chandini was totally way out of my ability to stand non sense .This was never my original choice to risk my sanity and sense of humour with this crap of an excuse for a movie ,but it was a time of the year when only movie for which we would get tickets for was a sarcastic threat to your mental health called Villu ( villu power fullu ! oh god ) Its as if either this movie or i risked losing the prescious time that I was going to spend with a sincere and cute friend(s) of mine.I always despised the city for not having enough space to hang out with friends . I mean Spencers is done to death and its always ten more than the entire city .The crowd itself in spencers was a living proof as to how the city was running out of spaces when it comes to spending time with friends . I mean ofcourse we could go to some place private and more peaceful ,but we were yet to establish enough confidance with each other to have ourselves completely left with our own sense of humour . So we had to borrow some from the one which had none ..AKS ..I mean Akshay Kumar .

You see there was a time when Akki was a complete cool and sauve guy who made all the nicest moves , with/without ladies . He was all hunk . Total macho stud who would make any female drool at even his tarnished image ! Nope he was not very bulgy muslces or beefy biceps ..He was enough steroids with what he looked like .I virtually adored this guy for being such a beef cake . And from that Akki has fallen into this trap ..of playing this really retarded and stupid idiotic fool who says sentimentally overwhelming tearjerkers albeit occasionally only to remind that this was not his fault but also the fault of the dialogue writers.We have seen it in Namastey london , Welcome , and yeah ofcourse Tashan ! the jokes were so very poor that we had to remind ourselves to laugh ..only this time at the very lack of humour !

Yep ..all you boys out there gonna love Deepika . She seems to be the only saving grace of the movie .The producers must have realised it so they put two Deepika .One a very cheap chinese imitation of her . See i am not saying that she does anything intelligent or even humorous . she does not even act for much part of the movie .Then how does she save it , By just being there she saved my two hours . Oh god how does some one manage to look so pretty , even in really garish chinese make up . and silly Kung pu moves ! So deepika ..and deepika .. she saves the day .Just what the doctor ordered for saving this good for nothing non stop non sense for two and god knows how many hours . It looked like having spent and entire week there in the theatre . I mean this thing just goes on and on . and looked like it would consume most of my patience . Just waiting for Deepika to appear in the next scene .You see the film does have some nice things about it too ..i mean it had some nice dancing ..only when they were not dancing . Nice jokes i mean when it was not meant as a joke (the most funny was when Midhun da dies and the climax when akki remembers what his best move was —-making dough for paratta ) It had the most poorly translated hindi and chinesse tooo . Go for the movie if you think you can risk your sanity for the love of Deepika .Kung fu .. i mean nowadays with CG anyone can do such fancy moves .DOnt they do it in VIjay movies all the time . So i was not completely impressed with Kungfu . Ofcourse , my friends who came along for the movie was such wonderful company , they shared their distaste for the movie and also made life more bearable with jokes of their own and comments too .The movie was just and excuse for me to be with friend i suppose !

Then it was time to regain my confidance in movies with a wonderfully poised movie called Mystic Massuer . It was about this author .Set in Trinidad the movie was quintessential picture of natural beauty captured in celluloid .Man ..he does not need much to live a life seeped in beauty .only he needs to choose what he sees .Rather than what he sees the more important thing her should do is to avoid what he does not want to see .Chandini and Mystic massuer ..two really contrasting movies in terms of content , treatment and imagination/scope .Both are meant to entertain us .only the later enriches us too .A bit of stupidity can be tolerated , rarely abundance of it too is somewhat cute if its innocent . But repetetion should be avoided . Indian movie audience is maturing and are capable of appreciating a little intelligence in content .Success of numerous movies are pointing towards optimistic direction .

Crazy Ale

Destiny and me !
Destiny had always had a funny way with Naughty ale ! It was the first time in his entire life of eating and sleeping with occasional boozing life ..that it had occured to him that he had somthing which resembles him to his ancestors a few hopeless generations ago . Ale had a growing belly which was in those days considered as a symbol of prosperity and well being .

Ale had always thought that he was very sexy and charming ! To be honest .. who does not think of himself as very sexy except for sick in mind !! Ale always ate whatever he wanted .Food had always comforted him from the contradictory reality of his charm and sex appeal . The more he ate .. the more he felt good ..about eating . It was that part of the world which was late in catching up the fad diets and zero looks that Ale grew up with his granny . Granny was in an never ending quest to see her grandson grow .but her idea of growth was only the physical ..size .. of body . She thought if he had grown earlier .. he would have more time to do all those things which used to make her feel amused about grownups . Ale was always supported and cheered in his fine taste for anything fattening ! Ale grew up on a steady diet of Potato and buffallo milk . with mind numbing cake giving him intermittant breaks . Ale always took digestive aids to help overcome the hiccups of the overloaded digestive system .

As he stood in front of the mirror seeing how hopelessly far he was from Tom cruise's chiseled biceps and tummy . But he had seens infinite number of advertisements with promises to reduce fat within days and weeks in most of the adult sites that he visited . He promised himself to click on one of those damn Google adsense ads next time he visited one such site . It was breakfast time for him . It was never habitual for him to feel filled or guilty about the insanely large portion of steak or beacon that he usually had at breakfast . Breakfast was not something he enjoyed thoroughly . It was the experiments he had with his indian friends with food that he found on various cuisines that had really made him down it with delight ! He especially liked those spicy food . Dosa ..samosa !

Granny almost never used to comment about Ales slightly overwieght bulk being ungainly to look at . But Ale was surprisingly shocked to hear it from her granma that he was looking so bulk . What had happened to granma . Have the words of crap from those hopeless salesmen of aerobic plastics influence grannys Aestheticaly outlook of human body! Was she becoming aware of the latest crazes about looking skinny ! Who knows TV has made everything very visible ! and heard . Ale cursed for being so blissfully ignorant about the growing mass of shapeless flesh growing around him

FAT .. what was it ..just lipids man .. just some glycerol and wax ... It would not be so hard to get rid of them fat to become a lean mean killing machine .

Atleast that must have been what was going through when ale was spending the first day at that hopelessly puzzling and menacing treadmill ! It was easy enough when he first stepped into matt of the machine . He actually felt somewhat good. He was granted his allowance for indulging in Nike shoes and other valuable accessories which had made execerise look somewhat bearable . It was not long before ale realised that he was not his usual self that day . He could sense the breakfast struggling equally hard with him to get out of that now efficient digestive system ! He felt really ridiculous to have decorated Masters dumbells with digestive enzymes and half digested food.He decided that the form of exercise which involved primitive and very silly movements with wieghts was not going to do very much help for his fat suite . He needed to run .. Like that DMX ad .. he ll lose it fast in Aerobics

Atleast that was what he thought .. when he joined the aerobic class . Having grown in sensitivity and in pain to every inch of his body having musculature after a week of training , He actually began to feel that he was becoming fit . Now it was time to indulge . I mean how long could you avoid those tastes which made you groan in ecstasy ! So on that saturday . he went all out in making sure that he could not be stuffed anymore even for an inch of food !

He actually began to look good in front of the mirror . when he avoided the angles which revealed the real shape of this sagging behind ! Enough was enough .One week of rest could make me more recuperated and more energetic for my session the week after . that was what he thought ..even after ix years after he left Sams aerobic class .. and exercise as a whole

He thought it was a conspiracy of Corporate sponsers to make them skinny models with their musculature exposed to be good and appealing . ! As years grew , he slowly teached himself to like people who were nearing edge of shapelessness ! He even found someone attractive enough ! He brainwashed himself to believe that true beauty lies in a persons soul when he planted his first kiss to a hopelessly beautiful person of the same sex . Who said there are rules to life ..and love and exercise ! Its as chaotic as my Granma s Apple pie

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